RECYCLING-Saving the Planet or Just Plain Lazy?

I wrote the parody which follows in the Spring of 2004, when Al Gore and Al Franken were publicly talking about new media outlets, and just before Al Gore's CurrentTV and Al Franken's Air America were unveiled. I haven't seen CurrentTV, but word on the street about it is good. Air America is in bankrupcy. Not the intellectual bankruptcy it displayed from the beginning, but real bankruptcy. I submit this in the spirit of petty partisanship which has made the blogosphere what it is. Also, like all my more recent efforts, the News-Gazette wouldn't have anything to do with it.

MEMORANDUM

FROM: Albert Gore Chairman of the Board National Nuance Network TO: Al Franken Director of Programming CC: Staff RE: Organizational Meeting I know we are all excited now that "Talk Radio" will finally have a liberal voice. I thought it only fitting that a memo from my office be the first to use the new logo. I will take this opportunity to pull together the "talking points" from our organizational meeting into what I know will be our founding document. In other words, I am taking the initiative in creating liberal talk radio. We have spent endless hours explaining to our public that liberal ideas cannot be easily explained to our public in limited three hour blocks such as are available to Rush Limbaugh and others. I am pleased to report that with the new stations we will operate,a solid 24 hours will be available each day to comprehensively explain the logical and moral basis of our firm beliefs. Some members of the board have expressed concern that 24 hours is well and good but of no practical use if a particularly nuanced idea is interrupted several times an hour by commercials. After some calling around I have learned that commercial interruption will not be a problem. This will give us time to educate the audience up front to the new lexicon, and when commercial sponsors come piling on later we can use the new shorthand to get the message out quickly. For instance, we can train the viewers to begin each call with an affirmation of solidarity, but nothing crass like "Dittos." Following is our tentative list of possibilities: A. "I'm on board, Al." (Which Al has yet to be determined.) These listeners would then refer to themselves as "On-boardheads." B. My favorite is: "So far, and after lengthy and careful analysis, I am in complete agreement with all of the nuanced positions expressed thus far on the National Nuance Network." These viewers would refer to themselves in shorthand as "Independent-thinkers-solidly-behind-the-Democratic-line Heads." C. Others of you, apparently not fully on-line with the nuance aspect of this enterprise, have suggested the importance of brevity,despite the uninterrupted nature of our broadcasts. The best this group has come up with is "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" It seems brief enough, but I don't get it. Clearly, this needs further work, which makes it even more a pleasure to commit to paper our final and unalterable "First principles;" those nuanced positions we have been trying to explain for the last 3 years but which have yet to penetrate the extra-chromosome-right-wing-dominated media. To those who say we are a party only of opposition, let us proudly say, "This is what we stand for:" 1. We are for opposition to the conduct of a war in Iraq. 2. We are 110% behind all efforts to stop the so-called "pro-life" movement from shredding the Constitution. 3. We are for non-approval of all judicial candidates who oppose the positive values we espouse in this document. 4. We are strongly in favor of traditional marriage, so long as it is available regardless of sexual orientation. 5. We are for denouncing Bush for stealing the 2000 election [JB: remember, I wrote this eight months before Bush stole the 2004 election also] by convincing the Supreme Court to hijack the election from the Florida Supreme Court which had lawfully appropriated the election first. (We are for state's rights except for those limited circumstances when we are for being against state's rights.) 6. We are actively engaged in opposing efforts to destroy our public schools by sending students to better schools. (While final, this one needs a little more nuance.) 7. We are for being against the Bush tax cuts, benefiting as they do only the rich and Hillary. As positive and motivating as we try to be, because of tragically unwise actions on the part of this administration we are forced, contrary to our nature, to be against some things. For instance, we are against not cutting and running in Iraq. We may nuance that principle to include Taiwan, South Korea and Germany. When we find out where Saddam will be tried we will have to be against that, also. We can recycle that principle to apply to Bin Laden when the administration admits they have him.This is more than enough material to fill 24-hour-a-day discussion until Dean is elected in November, at which time George Bush's second illegitimate term will provide many more positive talking points. © 2004